evangelism

it's been on my heart for as long as i've been christian. in high school i naively sought after my close friends and my family. i wasn't driven much by responsbility but rather passion. in college when i am challenged to talk to strangers or friends who are fervent atheists, i have become more discouraged but also have really seen the urgency of the mission. as i seek after god's lose sheep, i've had to set aside my pride and judgments and work up some courage and boldness. it's harder. it has become more of a duty. is this effective? am i pleasing god? i don't know, but i do feel this insincerity in my heart when i bring up something so personal to someone i don't know. i feel as if i'm faking concern for someone who's probably smart enough to discern.
what is evangelism anyway? i mean the image that first crosses my mind is a christian sharing the gospel with a nonbeliever. but i think talking just doesn't quite cut it usually. there're still so many stronger forces that could pull them toward or away from the gospel. this year especially i've noticed how the close relationships in one's life are one of those pull/push factors. friendly greetings and invitations to church events are great, but how a christian lives his life speaks so much more. sometimes church people are so friendly and enthusiastic that you are suspicious. of course everyone is told to love everyone else, but how can you genuinely be so concerned for someone you barely know. there's really no reason to love them (unless you love them for their name or academic major) except the fact that they're nonbelievers and/or that it's the christiany thing to do. it's something i sometimes do too but now i am seeing how this love driven by duty thing doesn't seem that real or effective. for evangelism, i've always believed in modelling your attitude and lifestyle after christ. one thing i know christ is NOT is exclusive. i've seen so much of that this year in my church. it seems like the christians commit so much of their time in their tightly-knit church group and not that much time in the real world, the dorm, the social places. it's discouraged that they have too many nonchristian friends or relationships that could pull them away from god. church has made itself so sufficient and overwhelming that you really don't need to feel your presence much in the unbelieving world. you should always have something churchy to do on the weekends. iono if god is keeping track of how many churchy things you do but you sure do feel guilty or like a loser if you miss an event to study or hang out with different people. what i've been seeing too much is a bunch of christians spending so much time building themselves up and not enough time out there interacting with the world. it's just my view on how evangelism should be done but i really am in no place to judge, being so spiritually shaky as i am sometimes. but how you interact with nonchristians normally as friends just seems so much more important than how many times you get to share the gospel with strangers in one day. because insincere or discriminant relationships can cause you more than a friend, it can leave a dark stain on someone's view on christianity. when i look around at how some christians are interacting with the world, i don't always see the inclusiveness and honesty of christ but rather an almost-elitist treatment and a faked concern. as christians we're labelled with the cross, the cross that set us free from discrimination because we can never be good enough. as a result we cannot take pride in something we don't deserve and wear the cross as a symbol of superiority in character and spirit. we also can't afford to exclude nonbelievers any more. nonbelievers do not just see your cross and automatically fall to their knees in admiration. what they need to see is some real humility that they can associate with christianity.