feeler

i've come to realize how much i am a feeler as opposed to a thinker. as smart and level-headed as i like to think i am, i am a slave to my emotions. i can't listen to a song without reminiscing about the specific time in my life when i was obsessed with it, needed it. i am always so overcome with emotion and devotion when i sing in church. i feel so spiritually uplifted but it's often so transient, the emotions pass and i am the same again. on a normal basis, thoughts of fear, uncertainty, joy, and anticipation can consume me so much that i can't focus on the task at hand. random feelings creep into my head as i am trying to focus on dense mcat problems.

i wonder if it just means that i'm more suited for art. it seems like artists always have these insuppressible and complex emotions that they can express with colors and shapes on canvases. do i need some sort of artistic outlet? i'm not much of a writer so i don't think i express myself well on blogs. if i had the talent of words, i would love to be a songwriter.

mom has always said that girls often aren't made for some demanding occupations like science because their minds have to be preoccupied with so much more that they often wander. (ya, real encouraging, mom) i think what she means is that it's harder for girls to single-mindedly pursue a demanding career at the expense of other priorities. dad also says that feminity stems from the complexity of female emotions and their concern for things that aren't so career-oriented. and that once a woman becomes a workaholic, she is no longer the thoughtful feminine person she once was.

how does a girl balance the pursuits for science and artisitc expression?

i realize i've become one of those bloggers that don't blog enough about light-hearted things that people can relate to but rather a lot of my obscure, incoherent thoughts. i can't help but desire to analyze people, the world, and my relationship to everything. lately i've been really interested in pondering on the roles different people play in my life and what my dependencies on those people are based on.