Lately I've been having a mid-college crisis of doubting my choice of med school as my goal after undergrad. let's just say that the science classes have not been most encouraging and neither are the older or former-premeds. this whole quarter i've felt confused about my future and it has made me skeptical of my own abilities.
Growing up my parents took little part in enforcing strict studying rules like most asian parents. They placed a lot of faith in the natural development of my responsibility and abilities. i turned out all right. until college hit me and i realize that i'm just not as enduring or responsible as some peers. self-enforcement only gave me so much tolerance of diligence. my free spirit gets in the way of caring too much about academics. granted i'm not a bad student now and i do moderately try, but my mediocrity has led me to doubt my shots at med school. when i see med school i imagine driven and studious premeds whose motivational motor keeps them running at all times. instead of pushing myself (because my parent certainly would not), i've been looking around for alternative routes.
it hit me this break that i don't need a new major or new direction, being a doctor has been something i've wanted for a long time; what i really need is some new courage. i need to convince myself that i can do better than mediocrity, that mediocrity is not encoded in my genes. what are encoded in my genes are my optimism and determination.
today i decided to email my professor to ask for a retake of the physics final. i realized what i asked for meant studying during break and admitting to my friends that i didn't do too well in the class. but for some reason it gave me such a boost of hope and confidence. i kinda told myself "wow, you inspire me." i felt like it was the first time in a long time that i am determined about something and taking a leap of faith to do something i'm not sure of. I feel almost as if God intended for me to struggle in an easy class with a nice professor who would grant things like retakes. It's His way of challenging me to trust myself and Him.