Oh mother

"Motherly" is one of those words that is bestowed upon me by every friend after he/she gets to know me well. It's up there with "nice," "cheery," "manly," and "goofy" (don't ask me how manly and goofy go with motherly...). It's also known that I detest being associated with "motherly" which, in my head, has the connotations of naggy, protective, and old-fashioned - someone who holds you back from your adventure, doesn't let you eat junk food, and tries to ruin your party. I think I would rather be cute, girly, sexy, flirty, or fun. But upon much internal reflection, I realize that what they say is true, I can be quite the mother. I love kids. I love cooking and baking. I love grocery shopping. Need I say more?

I hate to think that my dream in life is to be a mother one day but I admit that family is probably a huge part of my dream for my future. Sure I aspire to be a doctor and am driven by my career choice, but part of me thinks that without a family, my life just won't be complete. So much of that comes from the fact that my own mother has devoted her own life to me and my brother. Ever since I was little, I've remembered my mother just adoring every little thing I do, how much I love food, how I snap at her, how I laugh and how I cry. It's something that even when I was too young to understand, I could feel in my heart. And seeing how she treats my brother with the same love and adoration has somehow made a mother out of me as well. My mom's love for my brother has rubbed off on me and as a result, I absolutely adore my brother and every other little kid. All my life I've been blessed with the reassurance of my mother's unconditional love and that love has inspired me to one day love my own kids the same way.

I've also taken for granted this reassurance that I've grown up with. I never realized how broken some other relationships with mothers are. Looking back I see how so much of my personality is shaped by the nourishment of my parents. I tend to be easily trusting, expect the best of others, and yearn for closeness and intimacy. I think my cheery disposition has a lot to do with how fulfilling my parents' love for me is. I can't imagine growing up not having that and looking for that reaffirmation somewhere else. I think I would be a much more closed though perhaps stronger person if that was true for me. my shelteredness has definitely made me more vulnerable to hurt.

Somehow society got me thinking that for a woman to desire family and kids at my age is weakness and backwards. Instead, I should be like men and pursue single-heartedly after my future career. Being at a good school with a future guaranteed for me, it's silly for me to dream about family and kids. It's that sorta thinking that traps women in the past and distract them from focusing on the future, or so they make it appear to be. But I don't like that headstrong cutthroat career woman mentality. I see motherhood as something honorable and fulfilling that women should not so easily disregard. Right now I do want to focus on my education and pursue my career wholeheartedly, since a mother is something I will one day become, not something I need to pursue. But that doesn't mean that I won't 'aw' and smile whenever I see a baby.