this is the week

this is the week before my mcat that i must spend in solitude. quite unfortunately, most of my friends (including both of my roomies) are absent from evanston to save me from dangerous thoughts of mcat and put my mind at ease. the friends that i haven't been good about hanging out with because of studying - i need them now when i am finally supposed to take the studying easy. maybe it isn't the most horrible thing to spend time with myself, which would mean doing things that i would do when spending time with others, except with myself. i emphasize that because the last thing i want to do this week is to become lazy and lose motivation to enjoy my alone time. i've already become lazier about cooking and eating, and that's bad.

what should i do?

• study somewhat. hopefully the lack of friends makes it easier and not harder to concentrate
  
• cook meals and eat well
• make cheesecake
• visit people that are left and maybe bring them baked goodies?
• finish reading eat, pray, love
• blog. see, already a second post within the same day!
  
• take walks in evanston and visit new cafes
  
• go to the gym everyday
• call family and friends at home
• do some sketching
  

feeler

i've come to realize how much i am a feeler as opposed to a thinker. as smart and level-headed as i like to think i am, i am a slave to my emotions. i can't listen to a song without reminiscing about the specific time in my life when i was obsessed with it, needed it. i am always so overcome with emotion and devotion when i sing in church. i feel so spiritually uplifted but it's often so transient, the emotions pass and i am the same again. on a normal basis, thoughts of fear, uncertainty, joy, and anticipation can consume me so much that i can't focus on the task at hand. random feelings creep into my head as i am trying to focus on dense mcat problems.

i wonder if it just means that i'm more suited for art. it seems like artists always have these insuppressible and complex emotions that they can express with colors and shapes on canvases. do i need some sort of artistic outlet? i'm not much of a writer so i don't think i express myself well on blogs. if i had the talent of words, i would love to be a songwriter.

mom has always said that girls often aren't made for some demanding occupations like science because their minds have to be preoccupied with so much more that they often wander. (ya, real encouraging, mom) i think what she means is that it's harder for girls to single-mindedly pursue a demanding career at the expense of other priorities. dad also says that feminity stems from the complexity of female emotions and their concern for things that aren't so career-oriented. and that once a woman becomes a workaholic, she is no longer the thoughtful feminine person she once was.

how does a girl balance the pursuits for science and artisitc expression?

i realize i've become one of those bloggers that don't blog enough about light-hearted things that people can relate to but rather a lot of my obscure, incoherent thoughts. i can't help but desire to analyze people, the world, and my relationship to everything. lately i've been really interested in pondering on the roles different people play in my life and what my dependencies on those people are based on.