goodbye winter

i always thought winter quarters were the most depressing thing. the weather kinda kills the spirit. usually the cold makes me so dry, sad, fat, and uneasy. i don't notice the difference until there's one random day of sunshine, and i find myself walking to a morning exam with a wide smile on my face. but really winter usually sucks. this winter, quite frankly, wasn't too bad. in fact i felt very happy most of the time. i think i saw a little more direction in my life, gained some courage, and laughed a little more. you know when you have something so wonderful that it makes up for everything else that's not so wonderful? i think i found that this quarter. i think i'm also the desperate optimist that clings onto the first positive thing i see and let it light up all other aspects of my life. i've never been so happy and content with my situation.

nevertheless, it's never felt this good to be home.

there's a reason that i can sleep from 11 PM to 11 AM and would still be able to stay in bed if i hadn't checked the clock and felt guilty. i can just let go of everything school-related, which can be so much more stressful than i realize. the 6 hour train ride is always spent making this transition. i reflect on the quarter a little, find closure, then imagine my break and even the new quarter. by the time i see mom and mark at the train station, i already feel right at home, as if i had never left.

there's no pretense at home. i can just be in my raw form. it's amazing how much energy it takes to be a socially acceptable person. someone who has to interact with people in a certain manner, to uphold a certain image in the lab, in the community, with friends, at church... to say tactful things and make wise decisions, to be responsible for actions. it's all a lot of work to be one's own person. at home the only role i play is in the family, who loves and accepts me unconditionally. it's not very hard, but it's so comforting. i can feel all my facades shedding off.

i always get so nostalgic looking at my old artworks. they're all nicely framed around the house, hard to miss them. i feel like i'm looking into a naive girl's active imagination. from the drawings i can almost see some expressive soul trying to reach out. you know that feeling? when you're young and just want to express yourself? i think that has always been me and there was always this little girl that wants to be known and understood. that's who i see in my artworks. i really should feed my imagination more, instead of being so concerned with serious things ... school work, other people, life, future. i should take more time to look into myself and look out for inspiration and express myself with beautiful art.