we are made up of our pasts. for the most part how our parents raised us determines how we're now. a lot of it also comes from how we handled the awkward teenage years. how we made friends, how we put ourselves out there and let ourselves get hurt. every little thing in our past contributes to our present views and attitudes, from our most embarrassing playground moments, to our proudest academic achievements. from our first crush to our first heartbreak. events in our pasts that brought so many insecurities and self-doubt but also courage and unbelievable strength.

i think that's why i'm so intrigued by people's pasts and secrets. they tell such stories. and as painful as some of those stories can be, people want to tell them. it's almost as if they willingly give me a defective piece of their heart in hope that i can replace it with a new one. and even if i can't mend their wounds, they would still want to see that i have a similar story so that we can form new friendships over our shared past miseries. it's because these stories of the past have impacted us so much that we can't seem to let them go, as much as we cry for change and new perspective.

i know i always get excited when i know and trust a person enough to share with them my own stories. but maybe i become vulnerable too easily and too soon. it seems as if i've told the same stories enough times that i can recite them with an organized structure of character development, exposition, climax, and denouement. it's true that i'm quite obsessed with my own past, as unexciting as it actually is. i write letters to myself in the future so that when i read it in the future, i can evaluate the time that has passed since i wrote the letter. how have i grown and changed? most of the time i just wish to have back my innocence and certainty. but we all know that time cannot be stopped and i am maturing whether i like it or not.

i've concluded that brooding over the past is a waste of time. at least looking at the amount of time i spend reminiscing. reflection is important but repetitive reflection is just superfluous. just as worrying about the future is also a waste of time. my mom is someone who worries way too much about consequences and future uncertainties. her thoughts everyday are dominated by anticipation or anxiety for the next thing in the near future, which would resolve her worries but also bring about new ones.

moderation is important and so i'm going to make a goal this year to not obsess over my past or worry about my future and to live in the present. i waste so much of today regretting yesterday and anticipating tomorrow. what would it feel like to live in the present? as if everyday counts for something, not just a transition between what was and what will be?

*will insert appropriate quote from eat, pray, love, which is actually what inspired this post*