Friday, July 4

changy's back

well sorta.
i've been a horrible blogger. but then again, who am i responsible to?! none of your blogs is updated any more frequently. well except jihye's. thank God someone takes that responsibility upon her shoulders, to stimulate her peers with her deep convicting thoughts.
there have been so many things that have crossed my mind as blog-worthy since the last entry. i don't know where to start. but i think it's safe to say that everything goes under the umbrella of "growing pains."
you know you're getting older when you feel so much more the responsibility to take control of everything in your life. all of a sudden you don't rely on your parents' advice and without authority figures, decisions are so much harder. maybe my parents didn't give me that much of an opportunity to become independent, or maybe i'm just too complacent or obedient by personality, but i have a hard time deciding anything i want. everything's so grey to me because i'm scared of the black and white.
this especially applies to my spiritual life. growing can one of 2 extreme effects on your spiritual life. either it grows you and matures your faith tremendously or make you cynical and strains your faith. as you can imagine, i am experiencing the latter. in high school when i was under my parents' supervision God was like the escape and an alternative authority figure that seemed so good and powerful. but now that growing-up has left me the freedom of obeying whomever or no one at all, my heart is confused. i feel the need to be in control of everything i do because that's what college teaches you, know what you want and get what you want. at the same time i've grown more cynical and apathetic about beliefs, adopting this "objective" view that there might be more than one answer to any problem. because i no longer believe in certainty i've grown comfortable of uncertainty like the rest of the world. i don't know how i've managed lately.
what i've failed to realize is I always serve a master whether i like it or not. when i run away from God, i am just worshipping other gods like money, lust, materialism, or other people. and until i fully realize that and confess my sins i can't believe God wholeheartedly. Only then will I achieve true freedom, not the kind that is mine the moment i leave my house. because growing up is a pain and sometimes the responsibility isn't worth the freedom.
That is one of my goals this summer.