encouragement

i'm beginning to learn how important it is to believe in oneself. how many of our failures are actually self-fulling prophesies because we didn't believe we can do it and didn't give it our best? how often do we let people's discouragement get to us and yet brush off other people's encouragement? i'm just realizing how much of my life is driven by fear and precaution, by sticking with what's safe. sometimes that involves following other people's footsteps. what would it be like if i had full confidence and just ventured into the unknown on my own?

i'm not just referring to failure and success in terms of my future career. i want this to apply to every aspect of my life. i want to take more risks! but not in the trying drugs or be a badass kinda way. i want to foster my interests in things outside of my bubble, invest myself in causes in the world that i feel curious and could be passionate about. when it comes to people, i want to be more vulnerable, more bold, and not care about other's judgments as much. sometimes i can be more socially self-conscious than i like to admit that, but screw that! also i do want to feel the oomph to pursue this medical career with full determination and focus.

God has a funny sense of humor

he giveth and taketh away. within the same day he can give someone a blessing and take the same blessing away from someone else's life. i'm sorry for the one that loses, but also for the one that gains, who is full of excitement and joy. i know that any gain in this world is transitory and the more we treasure them and find our value in them, the more loss we'll experience later when god takes them away. when will we learn that? or will we just hold onto the next good thing that happens more tightly after we've experienced loss?

someone recently asked me how i can believe in a god that is so unfathomable and seemingly unfair, letting bad things to happen to good people. sometimes things don't appear fair to me by my human standards either, but when i see the bigger picture, i'm always amazed. i think i need more faith in god's will and also just his creations. one day he disappoints me with people and another day he impresses me with their resilience, courage, and vulnerability. it's all part of his great lesson plan.

ohana

i'm usually not the one to complain about family. i mean, come on, i cried during lilo & stitch when stitch was imitating the ugly duckling and crying "i'm lost" in hope that his family would find him. for the most part my family is great.

but i have to say family is an interesting entity of people. every family has its own dynamic and it changes when people grow up and grow older. to have people growing old and growing into adulthood living together, there's gotta be a lot of misunderstandings until some mutual understanding occurs. does it ever occur?

now that i've been set free to find my independence, it's weird to come home again to a mom who still expects the same things. except now i am also expected to be mature and responsible. the weirdest thing, though, is how i feel old enough to understand my parents. i feel like i've entered into their adult-world and it makes me see my parents as my equals rather than my authorities. but i wonder how much my parents understand me? i often disagree with their perception of me, either because they're false, i'm naive and in denial. or maybe i just still have the teenage mentality that i am so complex that no one understands me. i do believe that family brings out the worst of you and i'm ashamed at some of the ugliness i see.

i guess what i've realized is that family isn't all fun and games when you're more grown up and your parents stop trying to pamper and protect you. i know my parents have stopped sugar-coating things, or when they try they fail, and whatever real life problems they have i am now burdened with them too. i get annoyed because i am self-righteous and complain about having stress from school and not needing more stress in my life. but looking back it just sounds like i am not ready to face reality and would prefer to be babied. i do still feel like such a baby sometimes when i get snappy and whiny. but sometimes i am just honestly annoyed and not understanding my parents' reasoning.

maybe my parents and i will never completely understand each other, especially with the cultural difference. i mean even my mom can't always understand my grandma. it just goes to show how much grace and forgiveness play a role in sustaining a family. it's a true test of patience and tolerance.

What I Learned Recently

The best feeling in the world is to be understood.
The worst is to be misunderstood.